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Rehab.
1 min read
So,
Last Monday i got out of rehab...as of today i'm 46 days clean. i'm really proud of myself; i haven't been clean this long since i was about 8-ish/9.
i feel like i've been re-born, i'm starting a whole new life! i've been hiding in this dark "rabbit hole" for 9 years. i'm 18years old with the emotional capacity of a 10year-old! it's the first time i'm dealing with anything/everything!
For the first time, since Bunny's passing, i'm having to actually deal with it and as much as it suchs to go through these emotions, i know it's helping. And i'm even dealing with the trauma's my SpermDoner[my "father"] put me through-also for the first time.
...i could go on and on about the changes i've gone through in the past 46days, but it'd probly only be interesting to me; so i'll shut up and go back to taking pictures...
~Sunbath.
Last Monday i got out of rehab...as of today i'm 46 days clean. i'm really proud of myself; i haven't been clean this long since i was about 8-ish/9.
i feel like i've been re-born, i'm starting a whole new life! i've been hiding in this dark "rabbit hole" for 9 years. i'm 18years old with the emotional capacity of a 10year-old! it's the first time i'm dealing with anything/everything!
For the first time, since Bunny's passing, i'm having to actually deal with it and as much as it suchs to go through these emotions, i know it's helping. And i'm even dealing with the trauma's my SpermDoner[my "father"] put me through-also for the first time.
...i could go on and on about the changes i've gone through in the past 46days, but it'd probly only be interesting to me; so i'll shut up and go back to taking pictures...
~Sunbath.
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.Rest.In.Paradise. Bunny!
6 min read
Dear Bunny,
I don't even know what to say...
I don't believe you're gone. Rather-I don't want to believe you're gone, because then it will be true!
You said so many beautiful things to me, you made me believe I could amount to anything-you're the only person to have ever done that.
Everytime we seperated, all I could hope was that you'd remember all the beautiful things you said to me- to make me fall; sneeky little bunny! I'll tell myself you did, okay? It'll make me feel better, and you always liked it when i was "happy".
I've been picking the scab on the "Trust Bite" you gave me, I want it to scar- so it's with me forever, just like all my memories of you. Everytime I look down at my hand, I smile and thing about how much it fucking hurt, and how you almost knocked me out of gear with your leg when you leaned over to kiss me, and then you procceded to piss on the building we were infront of. But, I just laughed and thought "Jesus! I love that kid!"
God! I think i said that aleast ten times when ever I was around you. I still say it, I'll alaways say it. Goddman it Bunny I love you.
I hurt so much right now! I feel so selfish hurting like this, like I'm the only one hurting...but there are so many others who need your help much more that I do! And we all know you never wanted anyone to hurt- inside or out! But, man, losing you is the worst nightmare I've ever had to live through. I don't know what to do without you! I crave so much that tonight -when I fall asleep- I wont wake up, so I can see your glimmering face, that face, that smile that lit up a room and made everyone happy, even just for a moment. But I know you wouldn't want that for me...so I try to be strong, but honestly, I'm not I never have been, but for you Bunny boy I'll try till it kills me.
"My soul is useless with out you"
Troi played that song just after the medical examiners office called. I cried so hard Bunny. I was sooo fucking glad it was playing at full blast-just like you would have wanted- 'cos no one could here me cry.
You were the only person [except Allison] who I ever felt "okay" to cry around. The only thing is, I never did-you always made me smile. If I wasn't smiling, I wasn't with you. The only time I've ever, ever fround around you was when I knelt down in all the shattered glass and blood and began to cry; repeteivly saying "I love you Bunny. Don't leave me. Don't leave us! I love you! Hear me? You can't go like this, Bunny! Look at me! I love you!!!"
I should be thinking about all the wonderful times I had with you [there were oh so many]. But instead i cry, alot-I can barley see through my contacts from the haze. I cry about what I could have done, what I shouldn't have done- so things would be different and you'd be sitting right next to me! I regret that day so much, you hated regret-you never regreted anything. And you probly think I'm a complete imbusal for regreting something that "i couldn't have prevented" [as I'm told]...but, still the only thing I'll regret in my life is that day. I'm sorry.
I feel like i have no one to go to. The only person I would go to in a time like this would be Bryan Casey! But he's missing! He went missing a 5:45am August 13th, 2007. I want him back.
I never told you, but I had decided 'Lover I Don't Have to Love' was our song. It was us; the girl who's to sad to give a fuck, and the boy who's to drunk to talk. Bryan-The Famous Writer-and Emily-The Famous Actress.
Can we please go back? PLEEEAAASSSEEE!!! back to sitting in my "homey" little car planning epic roadtrips to San Fransico and somehow making me a big time drug dealer so we could go to Amsterdamn with out a passport. God! I thought that was the most retarted thing I'd ever heard, but I would have done it 'cos only you could have pulled it off!
Please watch over me, even if everything you ever said to me was a lie-protect me! I don't know what I'm supost to do with out you. Everything is unreal, ugly, and dark, very dark. I don't want to be in the ugly place, alone. So plase keep me safe or I might just throw myself into death's welcoming embrace! I need protection Bunny, and you're the only one who ever made me feel "safe" from this mad world!
I've elected you guardian angel of my fallen soul-where the badge with pride, love, 'cos anyone who can keep me safe and well is fucking SuperMan!!!
Guess what? Today Allison and I decided you'd been reincarnated as a massive hawk who eats little bunny's and stares at people to freak them out. You always wanted to fly, so soar Bunny soar! And when we become roomates we're gunna' get a little Bunny and name it Bryan, but it's never aloud out in the street, we're gunna' be so protective over little Bryan that you'd laugh and call us weirdos.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty for laugh and joking around. I supose it's what you would prefer instead of us all walk around like zombies crying non-stop, but still, I don't want to laugh-it hurts-I don't know what to do, or how I should feel. All I know is whatever I'm feeling now is more painful than anything I've ever had the displeasure of feeling, physically and mentally.
I Love You.
You were our glue,
You were the glue that kept everyone together.
Now What?
I love you Bryan Casey,
Always and Forever,
Emily
[the girl who's to sad to give a fuck]
I don't even know what to say...
I don't believe you're gone. Rather-I don't want to believe you're gone, because then it will be true!
You said so many beautiful things to me, you made me believe I could amount to anything-you're the only person to have ever done that.
Everytime we seperated, all I could hope was that you'd remember all the beautiful things you said to me- to make me fall; sneeky little bunny! I'll tell myself you did, okay? It'll make me feel better, and you always liked it when i was "happy".
I've been picking the scab on the "Trust Bite" you gave me, I want it to scar- so it's with me forever, just like all my memories of you. Everytime I look down at my hand, I smile and thing about how much it fucking hurt, and how you almost knocked me out of gear with your leg when you leaned over to kiss me, and then you procceded to piss on the building we were infront of. But, I just laughed and thought "Jesus! I love that kid!"
God! I think i said that aleast ten times when ever I was around you. I still say it, I'll alaways say it. Goddman it Bunny I love you.
I hurt so much right now! I feel so selfish hurting like this, like I'm the only one hurting...but there are so many others who need your help much more that I do! And we all know you never wanted anyone to hurt- inside or out! But, man, losing you is the worst nightmare I've ever had to live through. I don't know what to do without you! I crave so much that tonight -when I fall asleep- I wont wake up, so I can see your glimmering face, that face, that smile that lit up a room and made everyone happy, even just for a moment. But I know you wouldn't want that for me...so I try to be strong, but honestly, I'm not I never have been, but for you Bunny boy I'll try till it kills me.
"My soul is useless with out you"
Troi played that song just after the medical examiners office called. I cried so hard Bunny. I was sooo fucking glad it was playing at full blast-just like you would have wanted- 'cos no one could here me cry.
You were the only person [except Allison] who I ever felt "okay" to cry around. The only thing is, I never did-you always made me smile. If I wasn't smiling, I wasn't with you. The only time I've ever, ever fround around you was when I knelt down in all the shattered glass and blood and began to cry; repeteivly saying "I love you Bunny. Don't leave me. Don't leave us! I love you! Hear me? You can't go like this, Bunny! Look at me! I love you!!!"
I should be thinking about all the wonderful times I had with you [there were oh so many]. But instead i cry, alot-I can barley see through my contacts from the haze. I cry about what I could have done, what I shouldn't have done- so things would be different and you'd be sitting right next to me! I regret that day so much, you hated regret-you never regreted anything. And you probly think I'm a complete imbusal for regreting something that "i couldn't have prevented" [as I'm told]...but, still the only thing I'll regret in my life is that day. I'm sorry.
I feel like i have no one to go to. The only person I would go to in a time like this would be Bryan Casey! But he's missing! He went missing a 5:45am August 13th, 2007. I want him back.
I never told you, but I had decided 'Lover I Don't Have to Love' was our song. It was us; the girl who's to sad to give a fuck, and the boy who's to drunk to talk. Bryan-The Famous Writer-and Emily-The Famous Actress.
Can we please go back? PLEEEAAASSSEEE!!! back to sitting in my "homey" little car planning epic roadtrips to San Fransico and somehow making me a big time drug dealer so we could go to Amsterdamn with out a passport. God! I thought that was the most retarted thing I'd ever heard, but I would have done it 'cos only you could have pulled it off!
Please watch over me, even if everything you ever said to me was a lie-protect me! I don't know what I'm supost to do with out you. Everything is unreal, ugly, and dark, very dark. I don't want to be in the ugly place, alone. So plase keep me safe or I might just throw myself into death's welcoming embrace! I need protection Bunny, and you're the only one who ever made me feel "safe" from this mad world!
I've elected you guardian angel of my fallen soul-where the badge with pride, love, 'cos anyone who can keep me safe and well is fucking SuperMan!!!
Guess what? Today Allison and I decided you'd been reincarnated as a massive hawk who eats little bunny's and stares at people to freak them out. You always wanted to fly, so soar Bunny soar! And when we become roomates we're gunna' get a little Bunny and name it Bryan, but it's never aloud out in the street, we're gunna' be so protective over little Bryan that you'd laugh and call us weirdos.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty for laugh and joking around. I supose it's what you would prefer instead of us all walk around like zombies crying non-stop, but still, I don't want to laugh-it hurts-I don't know what to do, or how I should feel. All I know is whatever I'm feeling now is more painful than anything I've ever had the displeasure of feeling, physically and mentally.
I Love You.
You were our glue,
You were the glue that kept everyone together.
Now What?
I love you Bryan Casey,
Always and Forever,
Emily
[the girl who's to sad to give a fuck]
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Devious Journal Entry
1 min read
i19.tinypic.com/4v7awi8.jpg
[loosely defined]
Someone who exhibits too much,
and often inappropiate caring for persons
who depend on them-in the mean time disregarding themselves.
i16.tinypic.com/504aakk.jpg
-Controlling behavior.
-Distrust.
-Perfectionism.
-Avoidance of Feelings.
-Problems with Intimacy.
-Excessive Caring.
-Hypervigilance.
-Physical Illness-Related to Stress.
i11.tinypic.com/4ze28gg.jpg
Codependance can also be a set of maladaptive,
compulsive behaviors learned by family members,
in order to survive in a family.
[loosely defined]
Someone who exhibits too much,
and often inappropiate caring for persons
who depend on them-in the mean time disregarding themselves.
i16.tinypic.com/504aakk.jpg
-Controlling behavior.
-Distrust.
-Perfectionism.
-Avoidance of Feelings.
-Problems with Intimacy.
-Excessive Caring.
-Hypervigilance.
-Physical Illness-Related to Stress.
i11.tinypic.com/4ze28gg.jpg
Codependance can also be a set of maladaptive,
compulsive behaviors learned by family members,
in order to survive in a family.
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Revenge
1 min read
hey kids.
so i have this idea for a tattoo...but i can't draw to save my forsaken life!
i want the tattoo to be about 'REVENGE'.
so if you could help me in anyway-like draw it.
please do!
i would soo soo love it!
-emilie-
PS.
just so you know-
The idea it self is kind of lose in my thoughts but-
I wanted like a heart that has some holes in it [or brusing], a gun, a tragidy face, and a bleeding rose. All of which to be combined where in the middle it says "Revenge".
Yeah, it's kind of scetchy://.
so i have this idea for a tattoo...but i can't draw to save my forsaken life!
i want the tattoo to be about 'REVENGE'.
so if you could help me in anyway-like draw it.
please do!
i would soo soo love it!
-emilie-
PS.
just so you know-
The idea it self is kind of lose in my thoughts but-
I wanted like a heart that has some holes in it [or brusing], a gun, a tragidy face, and a bleeding rose. All of which to be combined where in the middle it says "Revenge".
Yeah, it's kind of scetchy://.
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